After about 19 hours on airplanes and airports, I arrived at home last week Wednesday. Thanks to a judicious dose of Tylenol-PM, I actually wasn't all that tired when I landed in Brussels, which was refreshing - I never usually sleep on planes and those couple hours really made a difference.
The past week has been spent figuring out what to do with all this sudden spare time I have. This sounds like a non-issue, but it isn't to me. I'm literally so anxious that being busy ALL THE TIME is the only thing that keeps me grounded, and after the craziest semester of my university career, the sudden sense of nothingness is very hard for me to handle. I do have some things planned - I'm going to visit a couple of my best British friends in June, then in July I'll be going to New York with my parents and to Denmark to visit my Vikingpixie, and in August I'll be volunteer teaching for two weeks. But especially the next month won't be easy. I've been looking around a little for jobs, but there's really not that much being offered at this time of year in terms of student/holiday jobs, and though I'll send my CV to a few places this week, I don't have much hope. So I fill my days organizing my books, working on my Hebrew, perhaps learning some more Russian, running, watching Designing Women and watching movies. This, obviously, isn't a bad existence, but it's strange.
I have a bad habit of second-guessing myself and my choices whenever my life reaches a temporary standstill, and I'm trying to get rid of that. Yeah, I've sort of taken an odd detour the past few years, but it hasn't been pointless - I've lived in another country, been in a relationship that though it ended also held a lot of good, made loads of awesome friends, become active in the Jewish community, figured out what exactly I wanted to do with my PhD, and gotten a MA in History thanks to my awesome adviser. Now I'm off to do a PhD in a country that I like, in a town that I know, in a subject that I truly love. Of course there are unknown factors, but it could, all in all, be a lot worse. I need to remember that. And I also need to stop mentally planning years ahead, because you just can't do that. And I need to stop comparing myself to others and imagine everyone has their shit together and I don't, because it's inaccurate.
Anyway, today I reviewed eight chapters of Hebrew vocabulary and grammar and got started on the ninth - prepositions, which is hellish - and ran almost 2 miles. I'm trying to build up my running, but it's really hard around here because there's so many random hills and it's exhausting running more than twenty minutes. I'll get there, though. Today I totally ran up our street alongside my grandma on her bike. Ha.
Well, see you later!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Lots of goodbyes.
Today was the last day of the spring semester and also my last official day at the University of Kentucky. It has been a confusing few weeks for me, and it's only now, now my papers are handed in and I only have grading to do, that I can sort of reflect on it.
I am headed home for four months, then, in September, I will be returning to Canterbury, in England, to pursue a PhD in Film Studies. This makes me very happy, because it is precisely what I want to do with my life. I realize now, in retrospect, that everything I've done and read and watched and enjoyed up to this point has led up to it. In 2003 or so, the first book I bought with my own money was Mark Vieira's Sin in Soft Focus, which I mainly bought because of the nice picture on the cover, and which I didn't read for years afterward - but of course it turned out that it dealt with the Hays Code, which my PhD proposal is on, and that Mr. Vieira is the same author who would in 2010 write two wonderful books on Irving Thalberg. My random purchase of that book - second-hand and for pretty cheap! - has really been one of those odd, prophetic moments.
I will miss UK, though. Today, I went to say goodbye to someone who's really helped make my two years there a wonderful time. When I first came to UK, the DGS of the History Department told me to go talk to this art history professor if I wanted to take a class there. I went, and she turned out to be one of the most wonderful humans I have EVER met. I took a class with her and audited another one and have just generally semi-stalked her ever since. She's been really supportive of me academically and personally and even at one point pretty much offered me her spare room/apartment to live in. It was sad saying goodbye to her because I feel like I've come full circle - it feels like only yesterday, I sat in front of her office waiting for her to talk to me about the art history offerings for the semester.
Additionally, I just attended my very last Shabbat service at the the temple I've been going to for about a year and a half. Since this is the place where I became serious about my interest in Judaism, the place where I started learning Hebrew, the place where I've celebrated Shabbat and holidays and had a BUNCH of good food over the course of the last few years, this was really sad. I didn't cry, but I came pretty close, especially because Rabbi Kline has been so nice to me, too. He's really made me feel like I can be a Jew and like I belong, and he's been really supportive of my decision to move back to Europe, too. I love meeting quality people, and I've met many of those in this state and in this town.
Lots of goodbyes, though, and I don't like those.
I am headed home for four months, then, in September, I will be returning to Canterbury, in England, to pursue a PhD in Film Studies. This makes me very happy, because it is precisely what I want to do with my life. I realize now, in retrospect, that everything I've done and read and watched and enjoyed up to this point has led up to it. In 2003 or so, the first book I bought with my own money was Mark Vieira's Sin in Soft Focus, which I mainly bought because of the nice picture on the cover, and which I didn't read for years afterward - but of course it turned out that it dealt with the Hays Code, which my PhD proposal is on, and that Mr. Vieira is the same author who would in 2010 write two wonderful books on Irving Thalberg. My random purchase of that book - second-hand and for pretty cheap! - has really been one of those odd, prophetic moments.
I will miss UK, though. Today, I went to say goodbye to someone who's really helped make my two years there a wonderful time. When I first came to UK, the DGS of the History Department told me to go talk to this art history professor if I wanted to take a class there. I went, and she turned out to be one of the most wonderful humans I have EVER met. I took a class with her and audited another one and have just generally semi-stalked her ever since. She's been really supportive of me academically and personally and even at one point pretty much offered me her spare room/apartment to live in. It was sad saying goodbye to her because I feel like I've come full circle - it feels like only yesterday, I sat in front of her office waiting for her to talk to me about the art history offerings for the semester.
Additionally, I just attended my very last Shabbat service at the the temple I've been going to for about a year and a half. Since this is the place where I became serious about my interest in Judaism, the place where I started learning Hebrew, the place where I've celebrated Shabbat and holidays and had a BUNCH of good food over the course of the last few years, this was really sad. I didn't cry, but I came pretty close, especially because Rabbi Kline has been so nice to me, too. He's really made me feel like I can be a Jew and like I belong, and he's been really supportive of my decision to move back to Europe, too. I love meeting quality people, and I've met many of those in this state and in this town.
Lots of goodbyes, though, and I don't like those.
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